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ASHLEY SIMPSON
RATING: 3
PLAY THESE: PIECES OF ME
SKIP THESE: SHADOW, etc....
I can't believe that I'm actually reviewing an Ashley f***ing Simpson album, but please allow me to explain myself before my inbox gets plugged with hate mail. Back in January, I suffered a major back/shoulder injury, which I am still recovering from 6 months on (although I'm improving day-by-day). At one point, things were so bad that I couldn't even dress myself without assistance - I was completely helpless for the first time in my twenty nine years, and it sucked. For about three months all I could do was drag my sorry ass to work, and then come home, pop a couple of muscle relaxants, and collapse in front of the television for the rest of the day. It was during this torturous experience that I did something unforgivable - I started watching reality TV, in particular, the Ashley Simpson Show.
I instantly hated her guts, but there was something disturbingly fascinating about watching this spoiled brat in action that I couldn't switch the channel. Here she was with a big fat recording contract (a reward that most talented musicians without famous sisters could never hope to attain), and she still had the gall to complain that the record company A&R man was pressuring her to make more "commercial" album. "But I'm not Jessica," she barked, "I don't even like that type of music. I hate pop! If that's what they want from me I quit. I quit! I don't WANT to make a record. I could be doing movies right now instead of wasting my f*cking time!!" Whoa! Back up here, Ashley Simpson. Here you are, a so-so singer with absolutely no talent to speak of, with a recording contract that just fell into your lap, and you're complaining that you don't have the final say on your debut album. Plus you're dissing your sister, whose hard work (and large boobs) opened the door for you to do whatever you want in life. Time for a reality check, girl!
She even harps about Jessica's success on 'Shadow,' in which she tunelessly whines, "I'm living in the shadow of someone else's dreams." Unbelievable! I'm sure that it may be difficult to live up to your big sister when she's Jessica Simpson and is way, WAY hotter than you, the ugly younger sister, but this is ridiculous. In fact, this entire album is a joke. Admittedly, Ashley's rock-oriented, Avril Lavigne rip-off sound is easier to listen to than Jessica's lifeless balladry, but in the end it's all about the marketing. Where "rocker chick" Avril Lavigne is promoted by her record company as the "anti-Britney," Ashley is marketed as the the "anti-Jessica," even if this strategy is never described as such by her sleazy manager father, who evidently has no problem selling both of his daughters' sexuality to make a quick buck. It's all smoke and mirrors, and everyone can see it for what it is except Ashley and her 12 year old female fans, of which there are many. Sure, the somewhat catchy 'Pieces Of Me' has a few more loud guitars than your average pop song, but if Ashley seriously thinks that this is truly rock 'n roll then she must be more deluded than Michael Jackson at a Neverland sleepover party. The least Ashley could do for us is be hot - something her big sis is very good at - but unfortunately she looks like a warty witch, with a big nose that resembles a big honkin' Pterodactyl beak. Don't be fooled by the flattering album cover - just keep moving along folks, there's nothing to see here....
So what to make of this album? I'm sure that I don't have to say this, but anyone with taste should stay far, far away from Autobiography.